songs that suck tremendously vol. 1

The rewards I've reaped from servicing you at the local grocery store for the past 7 years have been great, but there is one thing I've earned that trumps them all: a refined, ever-developing loathing for popular music. But see, I'm not that guy who argues the vapidness of radio pop, taking a mere distaste for it into the territory of socio/psychoanalytical critique. I mainly just dislike being spattered with rank, wet feces whenever I step into my own dojos, let alone the dojos of others. To combat the interminable aggravation whenever Enya's "Sail Away" or Natasha Bedingfield's "Pocketful Of Sunshine" decided to catch a ride on my mental Möbius strip, I started collecting these fuckawful songs for quarantine list. 

HERE IS MY STORY:

1.) Gotye - Somebody That I Used To Know

I just discovered this one today and already my hatred for it could sink continents. I don't know what this shit is supposed to be, but it has all the art & atmosphere of New Age FM pop radio. 
2.) Adele - Rumor Has It

Holy shit, fuck this earsmegma. Worst chorus I can currently think of.

3.) Bruno Mars - Grenade

Whenever I'm blessed enough to have this flaccid penis brigade marching through my head, I like to extend the severity of the sacrifices he describes to vile heights. "I'd skullfuck an infant to death" and "I'd pull off my face and eat it until I died" are my favorite additions, thus far, but we'll see where the road takes us.

4.) Train - Drive-By

I guess "Hey Soul Sister" wasn't just a fluke in a canon of otherwise listenable songs.

5.) Train - Hey Soul Sister

Which reminds me...

6.) Daniel Powter - You Had A Bad Day

No one on earth needs to hear this song again, even if they liked it at some point.

7.) LeAnn Rimes - How Do I Live

FUCK YOU LEANN RIMES PT 2

("Fuck You LeAnn Rimes Pt 1" was "Can't Fight The Moonlight")

8.) Sheryl Crow - Soak Up The Sun

I don't even know why I hate this song so much, but fuck, man. Also, I can only run it through my head as "Iiiiii'm gonna soak up the cuuuuummmmm". People generally don't exchange currency for semen, either, so the lyric still suits the song's theme. I'm pretty awesome.

9.) Carly Rae Jepsen - Call Me Maybe

This is probably the most hatefuckingly effective hook I've ever heard. That keyboard line is like psychic assault. I want to take a dump on her face and not in a fetishistic way. No one should hit 26 years of age and still find it in them to write something this tween-y unless they're relegating their career focus to making money off of children.
Actually, that's not an unrealistic assumption.

10.) La Bouche - Be My Lover

The sound of erect penises being struck by lightning.

TUNE IN WHENEVER I POST MORE FOR MORE.